I like Jaws. For the longest time it was my favorite movie ever. Of course it still scares me to go into the ocean or any large body of water knowing that in fact Bruce the shark could still be out there, waiting for me to dip my alabaster white ass into the deep.
I have a pretty wide net when it comes to liking things, or at least tolerating movies I think. The one thing I hate is when critics review the new hot thing to the old better and more respected thing. When this movie, Shark Night was coming out, I saw a snippet of how it was scarier than Jaws. It was on that day I made a vow. Criminals Are A Superstitious And Cowardly Lot…No, thats not it. Purchase pop tarts at your supermarket so you have them on hand when you need a quick breakfast meal. They are located on the breakfast food aisle with cereal…no, not it either. Oh, whenever I had a website, I had to blast this….thing in the head with my sarcastic power glove.
Will It Be Better Than Jaws 4? No, At Least That Had Michael Caine.
3D always makes me mad. I wear glasses, shock, a nerd that wears glasses. They often get in the way of me enjoying the movie, having to either take mine off and seeing a muddy out of focus picture or just a muddy picture with them on. Then add in the fact that a ten dollar bill left my wallet on top of the already outrageous ticket prices..Most movies never need it..Rant over.
We begin out sharksploitation with a title sequence that seems like it is filmed with blood water, we see our star is Sara Paxton, daughter of Bill Paxton, who was in Aliens…I only say this because of course I shall be making references.
Every one of these movies needs an opening kill, someone we don’t know/care about just to show that the unstoppable killing machine is in fact an unstoppable killing machine. Opening Kill girl gets her top taken off, don’t worry, we dont see anything, making the whole thing pointless. Instantly after getting her top back on she is attacked much like the opening kill in another shark movie did….The one named they named a Bond villain after. Oddjob.
Halo 3!….this is the most interesting part of the movie, no lie.
We meet Nick, our resident Nerd and Gordon, our resident stoner. We don’t get much more in the way of exposition besides this. Nick is goaded into playing Halo when Gordon logged him in and claims he will lose gamer points if he does not join in. As an avid video game player, I am sure that comes as a big surprise, gamer points are an accumulation of earned points from completing objectives predetermined by the game….They cannot be lost. I doubt the screen writer knows this. Also Nick joins the game mid match, which my Halo 3 may be a little rusty, you cannot do.
Malik the jock erupts into the room. I mention he is a jock due to the fact it is the only real information we are given. He is upset at Nick for needing a C to keep his scholaship, turns out he had recieved B+, making this entire scene pointless and wasting two minutes of time I shall never get back.
To celebrate his B+, they are going to Lake Crosby to meet Nick’s crush Sara Powski, played by Sara Paxton….Yes the creativity knows no bounds or constraints in Shark Night production offices. We see Sara on a treadmill, who has been on the treadmill for three straight hours. Geez girl, back it down.
Stoner Jock Nerd, Our College Trinity Is Complete!
Turns out Jock is going to ask a girl to marry him, stoner asks if he has been snorting steroids…I didn’t know they could be, perhaps thats what is in pixie sticks.We meet Stiffler, which is not really his name but I am not to be bothered to learn it.
DRIVING MONTAGE! I think we end up seeing every single street it takes to get from the university to the lake, the Naked Gun Intro Theme pops into my head and makes this slightly more enjoyable. We get our inevitable cell phones shall not work. The lake apparently takes place in the South due to the music and racism from Jock being harrassed. Oh and they have cameras in the bathroom, totally this is the South.
Also Sara knows the two harrassing Jock and his future bride….They are the villains of the movie, I am not spoiling it, the movie already did with the dramatic music sting.
We now get into the boat to lead them to the island on the lake. Sara is driving really fast on this lake/wetlands which of course gets the attention of the local fuzz. This begins a lonnng chase scene, that basically accomplishes nothing but to introduce the only character worth a damn in this movie, Donal Logue as Sherriff Sabin, a Sherriff so stupid, he does not seem to care that people race on his lake. He and Sara have this race constantly and he has yet to beat this stupid girl. Fun note, Sara said she couldnt recognise him due to Sherriff’s new molestor mustache, yet still went on a high speed chase…moron.
The Only Lawman More Stupid Than Wiggum
I hate these people. Yes, this is yet another movie where people have to go PARTY! and then meet the killer/animal of death. The sheriff also has a moment where he says he misses Sara, I don’t know why, she seems pretty boring and vapid, From what is stated she hasnt even been seen hanging out with anyone, at college. FAST MOTION CHECK OUT THE HOUSE MONTAGE! Showing us basically that Jet Skis exist.
Jock decides to go wakeboarding and he does a good job, well his stunt double does…If only there weren’t sharks in this lake…which is very unlikely in the first place, but I am not a biologist. Shark Night insists on using terrible CGI for it’s fins, which as you imagine looks terrible. Jock falls down and moments of “tension”, just replace tension with boredom. He eventually bobs back up, minus an arm….I am very curious how noone saw the puddle of blood or floating arm.
That’s great. That’s just fucking great, man! Now what the fuck are we supposed to do? We’re in some real pretty shit now man! Game’s over man, game’s fucking over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?
Aliens Reference Complete.
Aliens Reference Complete.
A trail of blood from the boat attracks the shark and knocks the stupid girlfriend that didn’t need to be there in the first place, she hooks onto a liferaft and they hit the throttle. The shark can keep up with the boat, which is bullshit, but the girlfriend is eventually eaten. The Shark decides to ram the boat, directly into the propellor…The Result?
What do you mean, “*They* cut the power”? How could they cut the power, man? They’re animals!
….or crashed the boat, whatever. I promise no more Aliens References.
….or crashed the boat, whatever. I promise no more Aliens References.
So with their main mode of transportation destroyed, one girl missing, and their jock missing his quaterbacking arm, the group decides to blame Sara…which it is her fault for having a house on Shark Lake. They shoot flares but Sherriff Logue is doing some serious headbanging.
Stiffler is firing a shotgun into the air as the two hicks from earlier are pulling up to the dock, Firing into the air even as the boat pulls up to the dock. The group decides to go for help, with idiot friend and stoner going for moral support. They even steal the bit from Jaws where quint crushes the beer can, stay classy Shark Night. 20 bucks they try to rape the idiot friend…or even stoner, it is the south.
One thing to point out is that no one in this movie acts with any type of emotion, like every actor was required to suck on nightquil lollipops before each take. We hear about the backstory of Sara and how scarface acted neglectfully towards her by not helping with her air, Sara also cut his face with a propeller….even now I guess.
Jock finally comes up with a plan…..
The One Armed Man With A Spear vs Shark In The Water!
This may, in fact, be the stupidest plan ever. The entire time, dramatic music plays as he gives a moronic speech about Nick not understanding what it is like to have a blood vengance with a shark I suppose.
Strangest part about Jock’s plan? It works. The shark attacks and bites at his crotch…yes. Jock stabs the shark enough that it dies….the stupidest plan ever that shouldve failed did work. I am stunned.
We cut to the hick boat and we see that stoner got into the water at gunpoint, saying that they were the ones that put it there….Scarface shoots stoner in the shoulder so we can see a drawn out chase scene with a stoner with a bad arm get to a swamp tree and a shark that previously could keep up with a boat. The shark jumps out of the water, for fucking serious, and eats stoner.
Jock had killed a hammerhead, a different shark than we have seen previous, meaning that multiple sharks had been dumped in the lake by our friendly neighborhood hicks.
So…Did Anyone Else See That Shark Jump?
Hicks proceed to make idiot friend strip down to her bra and panties under gunpoint, she has a hidden knife and decides to stab the hick WITHOUT THE GUN…Remember that, when under attack, stab the person without the gun.
We get a science lesson from the hicks about the cookie cutter shark, which have circular mouths and apparently swallow their own teeth. This is all exciting, I am of course more interested in how that Halo match from earlier ended.They are recording everything of the attack and we cut to Sheriff Wiggum arrives to the house.
Stiffler decides to go off on a jetski with Jock. It is a painfully stupid shot of day for night blue that I have not seen in some time. Jock sees shark while on back of jetski, undues his safety line and brilliantly decides to drop into the water, not dive in the air and attack the shark but fall in as if he was heading into the pool on a fine summer day. Oh and Stiffler gets eaten by a shark that jumps high enough to clear the jetski and at an angle to catch his head in his mouth, I could not find a picture for this but god I wish I could.
Wiggum put knockout/sleeping drugs in the thermos he brought with him, oh no the stupid sherriff is in on the retarded plan of feeding people to sharks on camera. Sara attempts to knife the sheriff, but is stopped by Scarface, who I swear was on the radio not two seconds earlier.
Nick awakens in Wiggum’s shack overlooking an obvious shark pit. Sara is already wide awake and standing in a shark cage that he must have started constructing while she was unconcious, otherwise it doesn’t make much sense. Sara’s dog gets thrown into the water….The first character I have given a damn about so far.
Wiggum keeps slipping in and out of a hick accent. And it turns out, they are recording all this shark footage for sale to a cable channel. The reason? Shark Week….Yes, the Discovery Channel is the cause of three idiots recording people getting killed by sharks. Even with the prospect of getting eaten by a shark, torn limb from limb, Sara Paxton summons the true acting ability of the shark eaten in Jaws….She fails an escape attempt by getting the gun pulled back away immediately.
They then release The Big Girl…which is in fact a great white shark….I am curious how these morons figured out to keep a great white in captivity since Sea World can’t. We see a CGI tiger shark, Nick gets out of the chair by using a lighter….catching Wiggum on fire and even making him fall into his big tiger shark pit that was open for no reason….Poor planning on his part.
Nick swims to the boat with Sara…yes even with sharks clearly being in the lake, he decided to make more splashing and noise. Scarface splashes chum on Sara, much like Hollywood has on her father. Nick somehow got onto the boat, got a gun and is holding other hick hostage, what the hell? Is Nick now Solid Snake?
Sara’s weakness of not being able to breathe seems to affect her once again as she immediately has no air.
And Roddy Piper Cinches The Sleeper Hold In Tighter On Brutus Beefcake.
This movie was bad. Not even in a fun way. The acting never had even an ounce of emotion behind it, in fact the most I ever saw Sara Paxton act was when the dog got thrown in the water.
In fact, I hear they are making a sequel, hopefully not in 3d.
Quota Complete. Magazine Ads From Back In The Day Were Weird.
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